Beginning God created the heaven and the earth ..

בְּרֵאשִׁית, בָּרָא אֱלֹהִים, אֵת הַשָּׁמַיִם, וְאֵת הָאָרֶץ. וְהָאָרֶץ, הָיְתָה תֹהוּ וָבֹהוּ, וְחֹשֶׁךְ, עַל-פְּנֵי תְהוֹם"

 “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep.”

The world was created. There was chaos. After the chaos, God began to work. He created the heavens and the lights and finally created man, and then rested. He worked six days and rested on the seventh. . "ויברך אלוהים את יום השבת לקודשו, כי בו שבת מכל מלאכתו אשר ברא אלוהים לעשות"  (And God blessed the Shabbat and made it sacred, as that it the day when He rested from all his work of creation) – That’s part of our bless that we give at the  Kiddush on Friday night (memories from my parents’ home..)

I grew up in a home of a Bible teacher. My mother was more than 25 years in various positions in the education system, from Bible teacher to national instructor of Bible in the Ministry of Education. As a child, I remember how every trip with Mom and Dad included explanations and stories from the Bible. Jewish Culture, the Jewish heritage and the Jewish world were an integral part of my life. Shortly after my father retired from the IDF (Israel Defense Force) after more than 20 years of service, he decided to start a second career and went into teaching, and of course, following my mother – and became a Bible teacher. Thus, I grew up in a home where I could hear often statements like “"עינַיִם לָהֶם וְלֹא יִרְאוּ, אָזְנַיִם לָהֶם וְלֹא יִשְׁמָעוּ ("Eyes they have but they will not see, ears they have but they will not hear”) (Jeremiah, 5) - to express frustration when we didn’t notice something and even statements like: "אִם מִחוּט וְעַד שְׂרוֹךְ נַעַל וְאִם אֶקַּח מִכָּל אֲשֶׁר לָךְ וְלֹא תֹאמַר אֲנִי הֶעֱשַׁרְתִּי אֶת אַבְרָם" " (“If a thread or a shoelace or take anything that is yours and you shall not say I made Abram rich") (Genesis, 14) - when we want to say we will not get anything from anyone for not to say that he enriched us.

So, I grew up in a secular home, but a home that recognizes, respects and cherish the Jewish world. A home where the weekly Torah portion is a significant social issue discussed at the table on Friday night dinner. A home in which "Traveling with the Bible" is a lifestyle and not a slogan. A home where love of the Bible is an integral part of the social structure, and the stories that are accompanied by a moral and social statements arising from the Bible are commonly used. Rules regarding behavior between people, and between the family members. Never did my parents put emphasis on the religious aspect of it, as we see today - a belief in God. We were educated for the main values the Bible speaks of, love of Israel,  and living up to those values.

How does this relate to the cancer that came into my world?

I found myself suddenly thinking about the process I went through in the past nine months. You can say that on January 23^rd I experienced my own private Birthright. Since I was diagnosed with cancer in my body, I met dozens of people that shared a common fate with me, some of who were in a better situation than me, and some – worse than mine. For all of them the process was similar - finding a lump in the breast, suspecting something is wrong, making a doctor's appointment, waiting in line, a doctor than having a suspicious finding, sends mammography / breast surgeon / breast ultrasound, another week / two weeks to go, a biopsy is taken, waiting for the results. Results come back, again a doctor's appointment, decide on treatment, wait until the treatment starts, it begins. Recovered. In more severe cases, with time, routine surveillance, the cancer comes back. Suspected metastases, discover the metastasis and the location, deciding on further treatment. More severe cases, metastatic status was not static, out of control. Do not respond to medications anymore. You are between life and death.

What I described here in a few lines becomes the reality for thousands of women a year in Israel. 4000 women are diagnosed with breast cancer every year in Israel alone. Most of them are going through big parts of the process I mentioned here, in the order that I mentioned.

And I? I grew up in a home with the stories of the Bible. When God created the world, first of all was chaos. Before there was order. Probably the creation of the cancer in my body decided to imitate the creation of the world. Before all there was chaos. Situation between life and death. Immediate risk to life. Critical condition. The doctors are shocked and saddened. They don’t look you in the eyes. They don’t know what to say. No matter how much I explained that there’s no need to worry, and that everything would be fine. Perhaps it was my innocence at that moment, perhaps with pure intent that that’s what will happen, and I'll go out of the Oncology department, 9th floor of the hospital Ichilov, and standing on my feet. Not in a closet. The 9th floor at Ichilov, I understand now, from a distance of time, is the floor from which you don’t necessarily going out walking on your legs. Innocence of me, if you will, I did not realize it at the time. Maybe refusing to accept it created a different reality. And maybe that’s how I went out of the chaos. I started there, and slowly, step by step, as the creation of the world, a part and then another part of me were created, the situation improved a little more, and then some more. And God said let there be light and there was light. My immune system tries to recover.

I was thinking recently what brought me out of the 9^th floor of Ichilov and back home. How come I'm still here. The reason is not always clear to me, I have to admit. I did and I'm still doing a lot of other things in order to get better, in addition to conventional medicine, and will tell more about it in one of the following posts. I even flew all the way to China for an unconventional treatment (that I will also elaborate about this later) with my father who took me on a wheelchair. I received excellent treatment at Ichilov Hospital that saved his life. And so I thanked and I still thank the dedicated team of doctors. I started in chaos. Slowly slowly, yet surly, comes the light.

Creation took six days and then God rested. Metastatic breast cancer is for life. It’s chronic. Not everyone who has it gets long life and good quality of living. Metastatic breast cancer is stage four. It has no cure. During the month of October, the month of breast cancer awareness is being marked. For me, awareness should always exist, and always should go up, not only along one month of the year. They say that early detection can and does save lives. Dear girls, I wrote before, I'm writing now and will write in the future – be aware. Get yourself checked, feel the changes in your body. None of you wants to start in chaos on one bright day. Or to get, God forbidden, to a state of  "ויהי חושך"“let there be darkness”. Let's all stay in the light.

9 months ago I was admitted to Ichilov Hospital in critical condition. I'm still here, continuing to tell the story. My own personal creation of the world. My life. I will continue to tell my story and create hope for everyone who thinks that “let there be darkness” can not become “Let there be light”. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy and live my life. To live and not just to exist. To feel, live the moment and skip a beat when I see the beauty of the world. “ויהי ערב ויהי בוקר, יום חדש.” And there was evening and there was morning, a new day.

I have not chosen cancer, I did choose life.

8 months have passed since the first time chemotherapy was flowing through my blood and my veins. 8 months. 240 days. 5760 hours. Feels like a lifetime. Sometimes, just sometimes, I want to have a week's break from the cancer. That he will take a break from me. But in chronic disease it’s not possible. There are no ready-made breaks, so I have to create them. Over time, I began to realize that I had to create my own reality where I want to live, and though I did not choose cancer to come into my life, in the manner and intensity that he came, but I can choose how to live the time that I have, with him. How much weight I give him, how much importance he will have in my life.

I read all your comments, dear readers: the emails, Facebook posts, and the comments here. Sometimes I even respond. In the previous post, "Love you, leaving you", someone wrote me that cancer is not a subject of ballads and songs. Maybe it's true. Perhaps his powerful presence in my life leaves no room for romance and such attribution. Another person wrote that some people with other difficult chronic diseases struggle as well. It’s true as well. Chronic illness is not easy, and it’s also challenging. The mental strength that is needed is enormous. But, and there is a big ‘but’, I think sometimes it is in our hands to decide how and how much weight to give these diseases in our life. Everyone makes his own choices, and leaves his life in the shade, with and next to the disease. I present here the way which I choose to operate in the face of cancer, and I'm not going to apologize for that. Cancer is a part of my life, and I intend to adopt it tight into my lap, that’s perhaps the only way he would leave. My body is full of it. But I choose not to let it get into my soul. I choose to deal with the reality of life in a certain way, which is the best way for me.

I did not choose cancer, and I did not want him to come. But, it is already here. So, I chose to learn the lessons that cancer teaches us in his own way. I chose to apply those lessons to my life. I chose to live. I chose life. I chose to be. I chose to seize the moment and enjoy it. I chose to enjoy quality time with my family properly. I chose to enjoy my friends. I chose to enjoy writing the papers that I need so I can finish my degree in university, that I want so much to finish. I chose to fulfill childhood dreams. I chose to write a blog. I chose to look at the here and now, not to plan too much ahead. I chose to be a better aunt for my lovely nephew. Better sister to my brother and my sister. A better daughter to my parents. A better friend, a better granddaughter. I chose that cancer will make be better. Happier. Have more joy. To be more myself.

I did not choose cancer, and I did not want it to spread through all my body. But he is here. So, I chose to do everything in my power not to let it get into my soul. Do not give him a window to my soul. To leave it only in my physical existing dimension. And hold it tight until he gets tired of being in my physical body, and it will come out of my body and go somewhere else. To another world. To the next world. And leave me here in this world, with all the amazing things that the world knows to offer us.

A new year has just began, and every one of us is facing every day new decisions, older decisions. Each of us chooses how he wants to shape his life and what content he wants to pour into them. Even within the uncertainty and chaos, we have a responsibility to choose our future. Even in a situation where there are factors, external, that can change our decision. Our choices. I wish you all that we will know to choose the best for us, at the current time, given the information we have today. I wish all of us a year in which we will of leave behind the self-flagellation and look forward. That we will learn from the past, live in the present, and implement in the future. That we will dream about the future. And live it. Be. A year of learning, doing, looking beyond our world – outside, as there are so many things out there that are worth looking at. I wish all of to have a next year.

I did not choose cancer. But he is already here. And I? I choose life. I choose to live.

There is a quote that a friend of mine sent me in English, which I choose to finish up this blog with:

"It is more important to know what kind of person has the disease than what kind of disease the person has" Sir William Osler, 1905.

Four letters, one word, a big difference

The life. Life (חיים). A 4 letter’ word. So much meaning, so many intentions. So much. Short, long, good, challenging, busy, relaxed, stressed, full of experiences, full of emotion, full of drama, peaceful days ,calm days, present tense, future tense, hard times, other times, times. Life.

 The death. Death (מוות). A 4 letter’ word. So much meaning. It was. It’s over. Last arrangements. Saying good bye. A will. Time has passed. What happened. A funeral. Sitting Shiva’a. Memories, little moments kept in the heart, little moments of happiness that are over. All that remains is the memory in the heart. The times we had. Death.

 They say you only live once. What they do not say is what happens after this time. No one knows, but that does not stop us from trying and thinking, trying and dreaming. To try and imagine what happens, and if there is a next world. What that world includes, how it looks like, and how we are connected to it. When the body and mind disconnect, does the mind goes on? And who decides where it will go? And when? We are filled with questions about death often, and when death knocks on our door, only then we begin to engage in more meaningful questions - questions about our life.

 Questions about the core things and what is meaningful mingle with those of the subsidiary. Do we live our lives as we wish? What prevents us from doing that? Are we truly happy? What does it mean to actually be truly happy? How and what do we include in our every day routine? What is really important, and what is only the illusion of happiness? Where should we invest the best and the most years of our lives? Should we marry our first love? Bring children with him/her into the world? Leave and find happiness somewhere else? How much money should we spend on shopping? What actually are we buying? Would shopping be what truly makes us happy? Should I take that job offer? What are the benefits, what are the disadvantages? What should I study? Does it even matter? Where to study? Where to live while studying? Should we tell friends how important they are in our lives? To honor our parents and the closest people to us for all they do for us? Should we love? And who should we love? Tell an old friend that it was more than just a friendship? Go on a date with a guy who looks like a good person? Believe him when he says it's serious? And do we really have control over our lives? Is the control not just something for us, a tool that helps us spend our everyday life in a more relaxed way?

 Life. 4 letters in one word. It’s funny how life changes in an instant, and we are left stunned. Sometimes, so stunned that we are left with our mouth open. Funny how sometimes death emerges into our world at the time when it was most unexpected. They say that life is fragile. That you only live once. These life, filled with many questions, and we are to pour our answers into those questions, and live our lives. We should not pass the time in hope that happiness will come, and that one day we will get the right decisions. How we will live our lives, what do we do at this time, and how to navigate in it, are questions we can redirect, answer them, and even change our answers, if possible. Or at least try.

 9 months ago the earth shook under my feet. At the age of 28 I became from a person who desires life, to a person who has to "fight for his life", and not loses for a moment the desire to devour them. Many months of chemotherapy, complicated treatments, being between life and death, caused me to ask new questions about my life. Also the proximity to death did the same thing to me. Friends of mine that the cancer has spread in their body and so they are not here today. Dealing with the understanding that women, just like you and me that their life in this world had suddenly stopped. Time is standing still for them and their families. One word changed to another, four other letters, exchanged life. Death came into the world of those who were misfortune.

And we? We are here. Living. We get up in the morning, take another day for granted. Take our whole lives for granted. The ability to stand, walk, drive, ask questions, answer them, work, learn, read an article, read a book, watch TV, go out with friends, spending time with our family, our friends, with those we love. What a shame that 4 other letters, and the close encounter with it, makes us understand. Cause us to feel deep inside our hearts how much everything is fluid, and anything can happen at any given moment. In the meantime, you should take advantage of the four correct letters. The word that has everything in it. The word that symbolizes more than anything our being. The here and now. The daily pleasures. This moment. present tense, future tense. The word that signifies our existence. Life.