“The miracles and wonders” (Al HaNisin VeAl HaNiflaot)

On the eve of the fifth candle of Hanukkah, I sit and try to think and identify what was the greatest miracle of this year for me. Is it the fact that I waded through the chemotherapy while bringing to a halt the spread of cancer in my body? Does the fact that I'm still here, alive, is my big miracle? Or maybe knowing I am surrounded by friends and family that spread so much love and support over me that helps and strengthens me every day? Perhaps my greatest miracle of all is the insights I find out about what life means to me, and what is the right way for me to live them. Can the miracle be knowing that if I survived the cancer treatments so far, and even to get stronger out of them, there’s nothing and no challenge I could not overcome. And could my big miracle lie a bit in every one of the things I just mentioned above, but its main source is due any time. Units of time we measure things. My miracle begins and ends in three words - past, present, and future.

I know. Time is a very abstract and comprehensive term. Past, present, and future are in fact subunits within the term that is called time. The obvious question is how these three words can mean a miracle for me. How come they play such an important role in my life. Someone told me once that the word  ניסיון(challenge) contains in it the word  נס(miracle), for that we will always remember that even when we think that life or reality presents us with impossible challenges, a miracle can always happen. In the spirit of Chanukah – ‘a great miracle’ if you will. To live in the present we need a lot of challenges in life, that if we will overcome them, and prevail, we will create for ourselves our own personal miracle. In each point in time in the present, we are facing these or other challenges. That is the reality. The question is what we do when we encounter them. Do we learn from our past, and implement what we learned for the future, or give up and take a more passive approach. Do we understand that we may now have the option to make the ניסיון (challenge) into a  נס(miracle)? And do we even want to put the effort required to reach a state when miracle can even happen in our lives?

 Cancer brings a different meaning to how these three words and the way they are perceived- past, present, and future. The past is an unchanging unit of time, you know it happened, and will not return. You find yourself clinging to the past in lust and looking at those periods of time that shell not return, the time before the cancer took a hold in your body. Then’ in the past, the things that were in the head and heart were things that to seem to you minor and non-important. But then, when they occurred to you, they had very high significance in your life. You look and see how things were in your past. Then you move to the present. How things are for you today. And even if you're really trying to avoid it, too often you find yourself comparing what between the past and your current reality. "Once I could work 15 hours a day. Today? Today after three hours on my feet I'm tired." Such sentences fill your thoughts some times, and you start to understand that yet you are facing another challenge - the attempt to let go of the past and live the present.

The step of freeing yourself from your past and connecting to your present is a very significant step in the process, if you ask me. Because only after we passed this challenge successfully, we can get to what I think is the greatest miracle. The ability to see and think about the future.

The future is uncertain for us all. No one knows what the next day will bring. And yet, we are making plans, dreaming about the future and want to get out and do things that fulfill and comply with the potential that we know we have or think embodies us. A few months after the onset of cancer in my body, I still could not think in terms of the future. Everything was either under the past, or under present. It was one day when I was in China, during alternative treatment my father took me to, that I suddenly found myself saying: "In Rosh Hashanah I will do so and so....". I saw how my father was filled with pride and joy at that moment, as he explained to me that this is the first time he hears me talk about the future on a practical level, the belief and knowledge that it will come. That the future will come.

  My Chanukah miracle is the success on the personal experience I have experienced in the last year. Experience of being able to connect and see the future of my life. Although, with, and alongside cancer. My miracle embodied in the fact that I see the future, and know it will come. Looking forward and dreaming. I dare. I do. I set goals. I am not constantly afraid of the unknown. I know more, I feel more significant. I plan ahead and enjoy the process and the way getting there 

.

I learn from the past, not live in the past.

I live the present, and not live in fear of it.

I think about the future, and not afraid of what the future held.

I wish you all a Happy Chanukah, and may all of you find in his life his own personal miracle, and will produce the most and the best out of the oil jug.

Beginning God created the heaven and the earth ..

בְּרֵאשִׁית, בָּרָא אֱלֹהִים, אֵת הַשָּׁמַיִם, וְאֵת הָאָרֶץ. וְהָאָרֶץ, הָיְתָה תֹהוּ וָבֹהוּ, וְחֹשֶׁךְ, עַל-פְּנֵי תְהוֹם"

 “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep.”

The world was created. There was chaos. After the chaos, God began to work. He created the heavens and the lights and finally created man, and then rested. He worked six days and rested on the seventh. . "ויברך אלוהים את יום השבת לקודשו, כי בו שבת מכל מלאכתו אשר ברא אלוהים לעשות"  (And God blessed the Shabbat and made it sacred, as that it the day when He rested from all his work of creation) – That’s part of our bless that we give at the  Kiddush on Friday night (memories from my parents’ home..)

I grew up in a home of a Bible teacher. My mother was more than 25 years in various positions in the education system, from Bible teacher to national instructor of Bible in the Ministry of Education. As a child, I remember how every trip with Mom and Dad included explanations and stories from the Bible. Jewish Culture, the Jewish heritage and the Jewish world were an integral part of my life. Shortly after my father retired from the IDF (Israel Defense Force) after more than 20 years of service, he decided to start a second career and went into teaching, and of course, following my mother – and became a Bible teacher. Thus, I grew up in a home where I could hear often statements like “"עינַיִם לָהֶם וְלֹא יִרְאוּ, אָזְנַיִם לָהֶם וְלֹא יִשְׁמָעוּ ("Eyes they have but they will not see, ears they have but they will not hear”) (Jeremiah, 5) - to express frustration when we didn’t notice something and even statements like: "אִם מִחוּט וְעַד שְׂרוֹךְ נַעַל וְאִם אֶקַּח מִכָּל אֲשֶׁר לָךְ וְלֹא תֹאמַר אֲנִי הֶעֱשַׁרְתִּי אֶת אַבְרָם" " (“If a thread or a shoelace or take anything that is yours and you shall not say I made Abram rich") (Genesis, 14) - when we want to say we will not get anything from anyone for not to say that he enriched us.

So, I grew up in a secular home, but a home that recognizes, respects and cherish the Jewish world. A home where the weekly Torah portion is a significant social issue discussed at the table on Friday night dinner. A home in which "Traveling with the Bible" is a lifestyle and not a slogan. A home where love of the Bible is an integral part of the social structure, and the stories that are accompanied by a moral and social statements arising from the Bible are commonly used. Rules regarding behavior between people, and between the family members. Never did my parents put emphasis on the religious aspect of it, as we see today - a belief in God. We were educated for the main values the Bible speaks of, love of Israel,  and living up to those values.

How does this relate to the cancer that came into my world?

I found myself suddenly thinking about the process I went through in the past nine months. You can say that on January 23^rd I experienced my own private Birthright. Since I was diagnosed with cancer in my body, I met dozens of people that shared a common fate with me, some of who were in a better situation than me, and some – worse than mine. For all of them the process was similar - finding a lump in the breast, suspecting something is wrong, making a doctor's appointment, waiting in line, a doctor than having a suspicious finding, sends mammography / breast surgeon / breast ultrasound, another week / two weeks to go, a biopsy is taken, waiting for the results. Results come back, again a doctor's appointment, decide on treatment, wait until the treatment starts, it begins. Recovered. In more severe cases, with time, routine surveillance, the cancer comes back. Suspected metastases, discover the metastasis and the location, deciding on further treatment. More severe cases, metastatic status was not static, out of control. Do not respond to medications anymore. You are between life and death.

What I described here in a few lines becomes the reality for thousands of women a year in Israel. 4000 women are diagnosed with breast cancer every year in Israel alone. Most of them are going through big parts of the process I mentioned here, in the order that I mentioned.

And I? I grew up in a home with the stories of the Bible. When God created the world, first of all was chaos. Before there was order. Probably the creation of the cancer in my body decided to imitate the creation of the world. Before all there was chaos. Situation between life and death. Immediate risk to life. Critical condition. The doctors are shocked and saddened. They don’t look you in the eyes. They don’t know what to say. No matter how much I explained that there’s no need to worry, and that everything would be fine. Perhaps it was my innocence at that moment, perhaps with pure intent that that’s what will happen, and I'll go out of the Oncology department, 9th floor of the hospital Ichilov, and standing on my feet. Not in a closet. The 9th floor at Ichilov, I understand now, from a distance of time, is the floor from which you don’t necessarily going out walking on your legs. Innocence of me, if you will, I did not realize it at the time. Maybe refusing to accept it created a different reality. And maybe that’s how I went out of the chaos. I started there, and slowly, step by step, as the creation of the world, a part and then another part of me were created, the situation improved a little more, and then some more. And God said let there be light and there was light. My immune system tries to recover.

I was thinking recently what brought me out of the 9^th floor of Ichilov and back home. How come I'm still here. The reason is not always clear to me, I have to admit. I did and I'm still doing a lot of other things in order to get better, in addition to conventional medicine, and will tell more about it in one of the following posts. I even flew all the way to China for an unconventional treatment (that I will also elaborate about this later) with my father who took me on a wheelchair. I received excellent treatment at Ichilov Hospital that saved his life. And so I thanked and I still thank the dedicated team of doctors. I started in chaos. Slowly slowly, yet surly, comes the light.

Creation took six days and then God rested. Metastatic breast cancer is for life. It’s chronic. Not everyone who has it gets long life and good quality of living. Metastatic breast cancer is stage four. It has no cure. During the month of October, the month of breast cancer awareness is being marked. For me, awareness should always exist, and always should go up, not only along one month of the year. They say that early detection can and does save lives. Dear girls, I wrote before, I'm writing now and will write in the future – be aware. Get yourself checked, feel the changes in your body. None of you wants to start in chaos on one bright day. Or to get, God forbidden, to a state of  "ויהי חושך"“let there be darkness”. Let's all stay in the light.

9 months ago I was admitted to Ichilov Hospital in critical condition. I'm still here, continuing to tell the story. My own personal creation of the world. My life. I will continue to tell my story and create hope for everyone who thinks that “let there be darkness” can not become “Let there be light”. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy and live my life. To live and not just to exist. To feel, live the moment and skip a beat when I see the beauty of the world. “ויהי ערב ויהי בוקר, יום חדש.” And there was evening and there was morning, a new day.

I have not chosen cancer, I did choose life.

8 months have passed since the first time chemotherapy was flowing through my blood and my veins. 8 months. 240 days. 5760 hours. Feels like a lifetime. Sometimes, just sometimes, I want to have a week's break from the cancer. That he will take a break from me. But in chronic disease it’s not possible. There are no ready-made breaks, so I have to create them. Over time, I began to realize that I had to create my own reality where I want to live, and though I did not choose cancer to come into my life, in the manner and intensity that he came, but I can choose how to live the time that I have, with him. How much weight I give him, how much importance he will have in my life.

I read all your comments, dear readers: the emails, Facebook posts, and the comments here. Sometimes I even respond. In the previous post, "Love you, leaving you", someone wrote me that cancer is not a subject of ballads and songs. Maybe it's true. Perhaps his powerful presence in my life leaves no room for romance and such attribution. Another person wrote that some people with other difficult chronic diseases struggle as well. It’s true as well. Chronic illness is not easy, and it’s also challenging. The mental strength that is needed is enormous. But, and there is a big ‘but’, I think sometimes it is in our hands to decide how and how much weight to give these diseases in our life. Everyone makes his own choices, and leaves his life in the shade, with and next to the disease. I present here the way which I choose to operate in the face of cancer, and I'm not going to apologize for that. Cancer is a part of my life, and I intend to adopt it tight into my lap, that’s perhaps the only way he would leave. My body is full of it. But I choose not to let it get into my soul. I choose to deal with the reality of life in a certain way, which is the best way for me.

I did not choose cancer, and I did not want him to come. But, it is already here. So, I chose to learn the lessons that cancer teaches us in his own way. I chose to apply those lessons to my life. I chose to live. I chose life. I chose to be. I chose to seize the moment and enjoy it. I chose to enjoy quality time with my family properly. I chose to enjoy my friends. I chose to enjoy writing the papers that I need so I can finish my degree in university, that I want so much to finish. I chose to fulfill childhood dreams. I chose to write a blog. I chose to look at the here and now, not to plan too much ahead. I chose to be a better aunt for my lovely nephew. Better sister to my brother and my sister. A better daughter to my parents. A better friend, a better granddaughter. I chose that cancer will make be better. Happier. Have more joy. To be more myself.

I did not choose cancer, and I did not want it to spread through all my body. But he is here. So, I chose to do everything in my power not to let it get into my soul. Do not give him a window to my soul. To leave it only in my physical existing dimension. And hold it tight until he gets tired of being in my physical body, and it will come out of my body and go somewhere else. To another world. To the next world. And leave me here in this world, with all the amazing things that the world knows to offer us.

A new year has just began, and every one of us is facing every day new decisions, older decisions. Each of us chooses how he wants to shape his life and what content he wants to pour into them. Even within the uncertainty and chaos, we have a responsibility to choose our future. Even in a situation where there are factors, external, that can change our decision. Our choices. I wish you all that we will know to choose the best for us, at the current time, given the information we have today. I wish all of us a year in which we will of leave behind the self-flagellation and look forward. That we will learn from the past, live in the present, and implement in the future. That we will dream about the future. And live it. Be. A year of learning, doing, looking beyond our world – outside, as there are so many things out there that are worth looking at. I wish all of to have a next year.

I did not choose cancer. But he is already here. And I? I choose life. I choose to live.

There is a quote that a friend of mine sent me in English, which I choose to finish up this blog with:

"It is more important to know what kind of person has the disease than what kind of disease the person has" Sir William Osler, 1905.

Four letters, one word, a big difference

The life. Life (חיים). A 4 letter’ word. So much meaning, so many intentions. So much. Short, long, good, challenging, busy, relaxed, stressed, full of experiences, full of emotion, full of drama, peaceful days ,calm days, present tense, future tense, hard times, other times, times. Life.

 The death. Death (מוות). A 4 letter’ word. So much meaning. It was. It’s over. Last arrangements. Saying good bye. A will. Time has passed. What happened. A funeral. Sitting Shiva’a. Memories, little moments kept in the heart, little moments of happiness that are over. All that remains is the memory in the heart. The times we had. Death.

 They say you only live once. What they do not say is what happens after this time. No one knows, but that does not stop us from trying and thinking, trying and dreaming. To try and imagine what happens, and if there is a next world. What that world includes, how it looks like, and how we are connected to it. When the body and mind disconnect, does the mind goes on? And who decides where it will go? And when? We are filled with questions about death often, and when death knocks on our door, only then we begin to engage in more meaningful questions - questions about our life.

 Questions about the core things and what is meaningful mingle with those of the subsidiary. Do we live our lives as we wish? What prevents us from doing that? Are we truly happy? What does it mean to actually be truly happy? How and what do we include in our every day routine? What is really important, and what is only the illusion of happiness? Where should we invest the best and the most years of our lives? Should we marry our first love? Bring children with him/her into the world? Leave and find happiness somewhere else? How much money should we spend on shopping? What actually are we buying? Would shopping be what truly makes us happy? Should I take that job offer? What are the benefits, what are the disadvantages? What should I study? Does it even matter? Where to study? Where to live while studying? Should we tell friends how important they are in our lives? To honor our parents and the closest people to us for all they do for us? Should we love? And who should we love? Tell an old friend that it was more than just a friendship? Go on a date with a guy who looks like a good person? Believe him when he says it's serious? And do we really have control over our lives? Is the control not just something for us, a tool that helps us spend our everyday life in a more relaxed way?

 Life. 4 letters in one word. It’s funny how life changes in an instant, and we are left stunned. Sometimes, so stunned that we are left with our mouth open. Funny how sometimes death emerges into our world at the time when it was most unexpected. They say that life is fragile. That you only live once. These life, filled with many questions, and we are to pour our answers into those questions, and live our lives. We should not pass the time in hope that happiness will come, and that one day we will get the right decisions. How we will live our lives, what do we do at this time, and how to navigate in it, are questions we can redirect, answer them, and even change our answers, if possible. Or at least try.

 9 months ago the earth shook under my feet. At the age of 28 I became from a person who desires life, to a person who has to "fight for his life", and not loses for a moment the desire to devour them. Many months of chemotherapy, complicated treatments, being between life and death, caused me to ask new questions about my life. Also the proximity to death did the same thing to me. Friends of mine that the cancer has spread in their body and so they are not here today. Dealing with the understanding that women, just like you and me that their life in this world had suddenly stopped. Time is standing still for them and their families. One word changed to another, four other letters, exchanged life. Death came into the world of those who were misfortune.

And we? We are here. Living. We get up in the morning, take another day for granted. Take our whole lives for granted. The ability to stand, walk, drive, ask questions, answer them, work, learn, read an article, read a book, watch TV, go out with friends, spending time with our family, our friends, with those we love. What a shame that 4 other letters, and the close encounter with it, makes us understand. Cause us to feel deep inside our hearts how much everything is fluid, and anything can happen at any given moment. In the meantime, you should take advantage of the four correct letters. The word that has everything in it. The word that symbolizes more than anything our being. The here and now. The daily pleasures. This moment. present tense, future tense. The word that signifies our existence. Life.

 

עדכון קצר

חברים יקרים,
החל מסוף יוני התחלתי לכתוב את הבלוג בעברית באתר של מעריב - nrg
הקישור לבלוג במעריב:
http://www.nrg.co.il/app/index.php?do=blog&encr_id=5783cd52e98c1d4cef936622bd2d99ea

במקביל, אמשיך לכתוב באנגלית כאן

חג שמח!!
שירי-חיה רחמים

מיוחדת רק שלך... האמנם?

בטוחה שכבר עבר הלאת

למישהי אחרת

אין לי ספק שאתה ממשיך במסעות הכיבושים שלך

אחת אחת אתה עובר

כל עוד ניתנת לך האפשרות לקבל את המקום שאתה רוצה

וגם אם לא

אתה לוקח אותו בכוח ולעיתים בעורמה ובמוח

ועד שהבחורה, כמוני בדיוק, שמה לב למה מתרחש

זה כבר מאוחר מדיי

כי אתה כבר הטבעת חותמך

כבר נכנסת עמוק פנימה

ואני עומדת חסרת אונים

למרות שאני יודעת שאינני רוצה משהו כמוך בחיי

אתה נשאר ולא יוצא

אני לא מצליחה להוציא אותך ממני

ואני מנסה

חזק חזק

המון

מבינה את הסיכון הרב שטמון בך

יודעת שלא תמיד זה תלוי בי

מנסה לשלוט במצב

ובסופו של דבר

ידך על העליונה

אתה בגופי

אתה מתפשט

עשית זאת גם לאחרות

אינני מיוחדת

בטח שלא מיוחדת שלך

או כמו שפעם נאמר לי בחדרי חדרים; ״ מיוחדת רק שלך״

אני מעדיפה שתעבור הלאה

לכיבוש הבא

חפצת חיים אני

ואיתך סיכויי פוחתים

אם לומר את האמת, הם לא מחמיאים כלל

רזיתי המון מאז נכנסת לחיי

גם אין לי כל כך תיאבון

הפסקתי לצאת עם אחרים

מנסה להתמודד עם נוכחותך בחיי

והיא כה משמעותית

אז עברו מספר חודשים, ובינתיים?

הספקת לקבוע עובדות, בעודי נלחמת

פיתחת גרורות ומושבות

בעודי משתוקקת שתצא מגופי

אני יודעת שאין זה הוגן

ולצערי

אתה תעבור גם לבחורות אחרות

גם במקביל אליי

אחרי הכל, אתה שם אצל כולנו

עוד נשים תחלוקנה איתך את אותה האינטימיות שאני חולקת

ולך לא נמאס

אתה לא מסתפק בזה

מוכרח להשיג ולכבוש עוד

ואני רק מקווה שאני אהיה האחרונה שתפגע בה כל כך

מקווה שאחרי לא יהיו עוד נשים שיחושו אותך מקרוב

שיתמודדו עם הבשורה שאתה חלק בלתי נפרד מחייהם

מעתה ועד עולם

ואני גם יודעת

שאיתי זה אחרת

כי איתי, אתה לא תקבל את אותן פריוולגיות שקיבלת בעבר

לא הפעם

כי כאן, אתה עוד תלמד שההיסטוריה איננה חוזרת

נוכחותך לא רצויה

וכנגד המושבות שהקמת בגופי כבר מזמן יצא צו פינוי על בנייה בלתי חוקית...

כל שנותר הוא הפעלת הדחפורים וחיסולך. בוא יבוא היום.

כי באמת שחיים רק פעם אחת.

ואני, רחוקה מלמצות את הפעם שניתנה לי.

ואתה? יכול להתחיל לקפל את עיר האוהלים שהקמת בגופי

זמנך קצוב. מקומך אינו מובטח. 

וכן, השבט אמר את דברו - אתה המודח הבא בהישרדות של חיי...

ואתה בשלך....

נכנסת לעולמי בלי שום התראה

ניסית לכבוש את כולי, ואני בשלי...

רצית להשפיע, להיות חלק ממי שאני

רצית לבלוע את גופי

לחמם ולחבק

לאחוז חזק חזק

להיות חלק ממשהו, ממישהי

ביקשת להיכנס לתוכי, לליבי, לנשמתי

רצית כל כך לכבוש אותי

לא רצית שזה ייגמר, הסברת כמה זה נכון עבורך

ואז זה קרה

כשלא שמתי לב, כשהייתי עסוקה, והורדתי מגננות

אז, התחלת לכרסם בגופי

אט אט, בדרך שלך

ניסית להרוס כל חלקה טובה

לא בחלת באמצעים, לא אכפת לך כמה זה כואב

לא משנה התוצאה, לא חשובה הדרך

המשכת, ועודך ממשיך, בשלך

אני בינתיים מנסה להילחם בך בכל כוחי

כל הזמן

במחשבות, בזיכרונות

לא קיימים עוד רגעים קטנים של אושר בליבי איתך

רק להוציא ולהוקיע אותך ממני

כי סרטן קטן שלי, לא ביקשתי שתבקר

לא ביקשתי שתישאר

ולא רציתי שתקים מושבות בגופי

ואתה?

ואתה כאן

ואתה בגופי, מנסה להאחז בי בכל מה שנותר לך

מנסה לקבל עוד חלקות קטנות מעולמי, מתוכי

ואני?

אני רק רוצה שתבין שכמו כל האתגרים בחיי, זה רק עניין של זמן ואנרגיות עד שאתגבר גם עלייך... 

והפעם, אני מבטיחה, שכשזה יקרה, לא אתגעגע לנוכחותך בחיי...

"גם אם אלך בגיא צלמוות..."

יום הולדת 5. רחוב השרון בחולון. כמיטב המסורת של משפחת רחמים, מסיבת יום ההולדת מושקעת ומלאה בכול טוב. מי שמכיר את ההורים שלי, יודע עד כמה זה נכון... ילדת יום ההולדת עם כתר על הראש. כתר מפרחים אדומים. שיער ארוך וגולש. ילדים  מהגן, כולל אהבתי הראשונה (ילד בשם רן.. שהספיק לחזור בתשובה מאז גיל 5...) מתכנסים כולם יחד, נעמדים סביבי ומרימים את הכיסא יחד עם קולות האומנית שסופרת עד 6.. (אחד לשנה הבאה..). לאחר מכן, מתנגן שיר ברקע. שיר שאומר הכול. מילותיו שחקוקות לי עד היום, יחד עם הריקוד והחיבוק לאמא – "אמא או אמא חבקיני חזק, ולעולם לא ניפרד. אמא אותך הן אהבתי מכל, אמא השיר לך הוא עד". 

הזיכרון הזה חקוק בראשי מאז גיל 5. ומה שזכור לי יותר מכל, בתור ילדה בת 5, שכל מה שחשבתי באותו רגע זה מה יקרה כשאמא תעזוב אותי ותמות. אני זוכרת כשחזרתי בגיל 6 או 7 מבית הספר, אחרי טקסי יום השואה/יום הזיכרון בבכי היסטרי, וביקשתי מאבא שלי שיבטיח לי שאני לא אמות לעולם. אמא לא הסכימה. אבא הבטיח, כי לא מצא דרך אחרת להרגיע אותי. אני זוכרת שאבא אמר לי שהכי טוב זה שהטבע יעשה את שלו, וסבא ימות ראשון, ואז אבא ואני אני. זה המצב הכי טוב שיכול להיות. בתור ילדה קטנה לא הבנתי עד כמה הוא צודק. מצד שני, אבא שלי תמיד צודק.

ולמה אני משתפת את כל העולם בזיכרונות ילדות אלו? ובכן, בחודש האחרון, שהיה גדוש בחגים (פסח, יום השואה, יום הזיכרון, העצמאות), ניסיתי לכתוב פוסט חדש. באמת שניסיתי. אבל לא הצלחתי. כל פעם ניסיתי לתת עוד תקווה בכתוב, ולהראות את הצד הטוב ואת מה שנמנה עימו. אבל זה לא הרגיש נכון. והיום, היום הגעתי לתובנה שמה שעושה את הבלוג הזה כל כך אני, זה העובדה שאין צנזורה, הכל אמיתי. מבפנים.

המוות, עליו כמעט ולא כתבתי, והמחשבות עליו, מהווה מנת חלקו של כל אדם. אבל הוא בעיקר מהווה מנת חלקו של אלו שמרגישים קרובים יותר אליו. ההתמודדות עם התחושות, ההרגשות וכל מה שנלווה לזה, קיימת מדיי יום ביומו, גם אם במינון נמוך או אם נאלמת דום לזמן מה. אני חושבת שקשה מאוד להבין מה עובר בראשו של אדם שחושב או שיודע מראש שיש סיכוי מוחשי שהוא עתיד לסיים את פרקו בעולם הזה, קרוב יותר ממה שהוא ציפה. 

אני רוצה להדגיש כי אני יודעת שהמוות הוא חלק מהחיים. סופם אם לדייק. אני רוצה לשתף אתכם ולספר לכם שהמחשבות הללו קיימות בי. אני לא חושבת על כך כל הזמן. אבל מדיי פעם המחשבה קיימת. הפחד, החשש, מה יקרה, איך זה יקרה, איך מרגיש אדם שעומד למות, איך זה נראה, ומה הוא עושה לקראת המוות. כותב צוואה? כותב מכתבים לאנשים שהוא אוהב? איך בעצם "מתארגנים" לקראתו? אני חושבת שהשיח על הדברים עוזר ומסייע להתמודד עם הפחדים, ובכך מסייע להתמודד עם המחלה. כי מהו הסרטן אם לא ערימה של תאים נגועים בפחדים, מחסומים רגשיים וקשיים שנערמו לאורך החיים וחשבנו כי התמודדנו עימם, אך למעשה הדחקנו.. ועכשיו זה הזמן.

אני מאחלת לכולנו, שדבריו של אבי אכן יתקיימו, והמוות יקרה באופן הטבעי ביותר – אב קובר סב, בן קובר אב. ולא אחרת. ובינתיים.... עד שזה יגיע, יש לי עוד הרבה זמן... אני, בין אם תרצו ובין אם לא.. מתכננת לחיות עוד הרבה מאוד שנים. הסטטיסטיקה אולי נגדי, אבל איך אמר אבא שלי באחת משיחותינו הרבות: "סטטיסטיקה זה אדם בגובה 2 מטר שטבע בנהר שגובהו הממוצע 20 ס"מ..."

המוות, חלק מהחיים. והחיים – הם הנאה צרופה שאל לנו לקחת בקלות ראש וכמובן מאליו. עברו כבר למעלה משלושה חודשים מאז שגילו את המחלה בגופי. הרופאים נתנו לי שבועיים לחיות (ללא טיפולים כימותרפיים). בינתיים אני כאן, ואני חיה. נהנית מכל רגע. מנסה להרגיש כמה שיותר בחיים. מסרבת לתת למוות להיכנס פיסית לעולמי. הוא בינתיים מגיח מדיי פעם במחשבות. חלק מהתהליך שעובר על כולנו. חולים או בריאים.

בינתיים אני נותנת לאמא לחבק אותי חזק, ומבטיחה לה שלא ניפרד. לפחות לא בעתיד הקרוב. כי אם אמא שלי מצליחה בעזרת עקשנות, אהבת החיים, התמדה והמון המון עבודה קשה להתמודד בגבורה עם מחלה שתוקפת אחת לחצי מיליון בארץ, כאשר 70% מתים, ובין החיים – 25% נהיים צמח/משותקים (למרות שהיא עדיין בתהליך שיקומי ארוך, ולא עצמאית), אז אני אחלים מהסרטן. ועד כמה שהמוות נראה אולי יותר מוחשי, הוא יאלץ לחכות. יש לי עוד כמה תוכניות בעולם הזה. והם כוללת נוכחות פיסית שלי באירועים רבים ומרובים בעשרות השנים הבאות. 

אמא ואבא יקרים שלי, על גבי דף זה אני רוצה שתדעו שהאהבה האינסופית שלכם היא זו שמשאירה אותי כל כך חיה. תעצומות הנפש שלכם הם מודל לחיקוי והערצה. ובזכות הDNA הזה שהעברתם, בתקווה, אלינו, ובעיקר אליי, אין דבר שלא נוכל לו יחד. והמוות? הוא יצטרך לחכות בינתיים. והחיים? בגיל 28 שלי, הם באמת רק מתחילים....

Life Sentence

A week ago, my nephew celebrated his second birthday.  Two years have passed since this amazing addition entered our family's live.  An amazing boy.  Full of light, charm and a love of life.  Two years old; his whole life ahead of him.  The whole world is open for him, and he just has to choose.  Endless possibilities, unlimited paths.

And me?  Arik Lavi sings, "Nothing is known, not a year and not a week…"  I sit and think about this truism.  "It happened when the path continued for me.  It happened.  I didn't know how much I wanted it."  But it came.  It is here.  And it can be sensed.  It is here in my body.  It spread.  It is stage 4.  It is an advanced stage.  And it is a problem.  From here I must live; from here I am obligated to live.

You understand, in the beginning I thought that I was in the opposite situation of my nephew, that for me there aren't infinite possibilities, infinite paths.  At the moment I have one path, one possibility – the war against metastasized cancer.  I don't know when I will triumph, and I don't know when this will end.  The million dollar question for me is what I should do in the meantime, during this fight.  Because daily life continues.  The sun shines, the day starts, and what?  We don't actively fight for 24 hours.  So what do we do during the say?

And then it hit me – just like my two year-old nephew, I also face a world of endless possibilities.  I just have to take advantage of them, and enjoy every moment.  Like everyone else.  There is not think that I can't do.  Perhaps my pace will be slower, and maybe there will be days that I will get up and I will be weaker, and more tired, and feel this terrible nausea, and the threatening infection in my mouth.  And maybe it will hurt me a bit more.  But there is no other choice.  We have to continue with life, and for this reason we are obligated to continue living.  In the continuation of the song, Arik Lavi emphasizes, "You have to move, to move…."….the movement, the action, it doesn't matter the pace, it is full of meaning.

This disease takes a lot of energy from us.  The struggle with it, with those around us, with the poisons in our bodies.  There are many reasons not to get up in the morning and think about what I will do today for me, that will benefit me.  There are many reasons to surrender, to live in bed in a bad mood and full of self-pity.  But there is one reason, above all, that must give us the strength to get up and do – LIFE.  A great gift that we are privileged to have.  We still have infinite possibility ahead of us, and we only have to choose what to do – open a business?  An internet site?  Learn a new language?  Help others in different forums who are suffering from cancer in their own struggles?  Read books and enrich our own personal knowledge?  The list goes on and on and on…

Metastasized cancer is no picnic, and neither is the struggle against it…but it is not a death sentence.  In my eyes, it is a LIFE sentence.  Because who of us can really say he or she does what they truly want to do, at the pace they want to, in the place they want to, in the way they want to?  In certain situations, as much as we would really prefer to give up on them, we've received a privilege that no one else has – to live our lives to the fullest, as we see fit.

No one really knows how much time we have left on this earth.  Most of the time, we are busy chasing our own tails, and running…running as fast as possible to achieve as much as possible, at as young an age as possible…money, status, praise, success and what else…and until we stop and ask ourselves what really makes us feel good and what we really want to do, we're already deep into obligations that we cannot escape.  And in this way our lives become what the world expects and wants of us, and not what we in our hearts truly want.

I have the privilege today of focusing on the things that are truly important to me.  The things that I really want to do.  To live as I always wanted.  To L-I-V-E.  To enjoy the moment, the here and now, every single hour.  Because I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow morning.  You understand, the cancer is in my body – that is a fact.  Now the question is what I will do with it, other than fight a war against it.  Death sentence, or life sentence.  Because at the end of the day, who among us doesn't want to return to be two years-old, with endless possibilities ahead of him….

And despite it all, at age 28, with an advanced stage of cancer, I also think that all of life is still ahead of me…and endless possibilities are still ahead.  It is just a matter of perspective.  Two months ago they discovered that I had metastasized breast cancer.  And I decided to fight it and see it as a life sentence.  Because, after all, "nothing is known, not a year or a week.  We have to move, to move…"