Two months ago
my little sister joined the IDF (Israel Defense Forces). There’s a 10 years gap
between us and still, although allegedly there’s a distance of half a
generation between us, she is the best friend I could ever wish for. For a long
time now I haven’t written anything in my blog. That’s not because I don’t have
what to say but because I couldn’t find the right words to say it. After my
sister was recruited to the IDF I was overwhelmed with many mixed feelings, and
maybe dealing with them and with the routine of life that has changes made me
silent for a while.
In the day of her joining the IDF, we all came
together to the army base where the new soldiers are being welcomed and given
all they need (BAKUM), I saw in front of my dozens of families, standing and
hugging their loved ones, knowing that soon they will go on a bus that will
take them in one moment to mature life, and will put aside their youth.
Mother’s wiped their tears, fathers who couldn’t stop hugging, everyone look in
pride mixed with sadness. And I? I stood aside, and could not stop smiling.
True, whoever knows me, known I smile when embarrassed, happy or sad just the
sane, but here it was a smile full of happiness. Happiness from the bottom of
my heart. The only thing I could think about that minute was how great it is
that I’m here, with my little sister who I love so much, and how great it is
that I get to see here in this moment in her life. The happiness that swooped
over me that moment was amazing. I knew I had another achievement – I was at
the day she joined the IDF. I had a present role of that stage in her
life.
On the way home,
and a few days later, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. About those dozens of
people who shared that same moment with me, technically, who were there, and as
far as I can tell – came back home sad, tired, emptied. I was thinking to
myself how many times during our lives we are in events that remark something
for people who are close to us, and are supposed to make us feel only
happiness, but in reality – it turns out to work differently. In reality there
are mixed feelings sometimes, pressure and anxiety (like when you are planning
a big event) and actually at some point the happiness and the goals are hidden
and even seize to exist. When we get
into a crazy roll coaster that includes everything, totally everything. Except
for being present and let our body be swamped over with that sweet feeling
combined with a slight chill. Too
quickly we start dealing with the practical side of our new reality: “what will
happen now?”, “what’s next?”. And too little we stop and dwell on the event as
it’s happening. Our head won’t let us rest. And so, we found ourselves in an
unsatisfied condition, where our energies are being wasted and at the same time
we feel just a bit happy or even not at all.
I wonder to myself, is it because we are too busy to stop for a moment and experience life, because we don’t know how to do it, or because we forgot and we think it’s a lost cause for us.
Do we let ourselves be sucked into the conception that this is how things are supposed to be, that’s how we are supposed to feel, instead of coming to try and create for ourselves the reality and emotions in which we want and are willing to live. Where is the line between accepting life as they are and between trying to create what we want out of the, what we aim for, Should there be such a line drawn.
In the last few
years my world turned over itself a few times. Some will say too many times. In
the age of 29, I need to equip myself with what professionals call “mental strength”
in order to keep turning my life into what I want it to be. I call it
“simplicity”. I don’t think it’s mental strength, but rather innocent and
simple look at life. Out of choosing
life, and loving them, I find myself soaking in the happiness in the life
events that in the past I used just to skip over; meaning I was just present at
them and nothing more than that. It’s not that I find suddenly the meaning of
life, but I learn how to make life more meaningful. It’s not that I learn how
to use the mental strength that’s in me, but I learn to feel my body and what
he needs in order to exist. It’s not that I find the “light” or the “secret”
for long good life, but I deal with leaving it, and enable it to be good. To
decide life is good, and make them that way.
“Only because of
the spirit” is not a satisfactory saying to me. I broaden it and say that thanks
to the spirit I keep on going. And because of
the passion to life I act and I give meaning and content to my life. And so, I
will keep create my own reality and will act. Because now, after my sister was
recruited to the IDF, there’s a new goal. To be there in the day my 3 years old
nephew joins the IDF or finishes his high school.
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